Funny how you hold onto ideas, simmering away for years until they suddenly burst into flowers of insight.
With Eva it was clowns. For her 9th birthday she was taken to a circus and hated it . She found the fleet of clowns particularly distasteful and the reason for this seemed to be that clowns simply could not be trusted; they were not what they seemed with exaggeratedly painted, upturned mouths for smiles or huge tear drops to stand in for emotions. It wasn’t fear – it was distrust, a feeling that Eva thought about occasionally and eventually would associate with words such as dishonesty, gas lighting, fakery or deception.
Clowns in stories or art rarely argued for a more sympathetic appraisal. They were villains or emotional grifters. On a trip to Southend pier, Eva witnessed a slot machine which, if fed a coin, started a clown figure into rolling about with faked laughter until the money ran out. Some laughed, but Eva sensed malevolence and moved away.
‘Where’s your sense of humour?’ a pal, Meena, challenged.
‘I just hate clowns. ’
Not a great response, but Eva wanted to close the matter down.
Sam, Eva’s best friend, was surprisingly unsympathetic: ‘Yes but clowns have been entertaining people for centuries. Grimaldi was a star in London and lots of clowns were loved and respected and …’
‘Must be me then. Let’s get an ice cream and head back to the coach’.
Eva and Sam went their separate ways but kept in touch. After their college years, they both returned to their home time of Garrowfield, Sam as a teacher and Eva to work as a research assistant. Working on a study investigating types of sea weed that could protect sea horses from the increasing heat of the waters was an interesting start to her career.
Eva enjoyed the company of fellow marine biologists. One, Andrew, took a shine to her and she cautiously warmed. Like the Walrus and the Carpenter, they spoke of many things from sea and sailing boats to ‘cabbages and kings’. It seemed a comfortable fit.
Comfortable until a heavily made-up Sam joined them for an after work drink. There seemed to be a familiarity between Andrew and Sam, odd for a first meeting. Stranger yet, Eva noticed a small plastic-wrapped package pass from Andrew to Sam with a wink.
Walking home, Eva challenged Andrew.
‘Seemed like you already knew Sam. You didn’t say.’
‘I’ve seen her around.’
‘But I saw you pass a little package to her. What was in it?’
‘Are you interrogating me?’
‘Well yes, yes I am, and if you can’t be honest I really don’t see the point of seeing you again’.
Andrew walked off rapidly. Eva could see Sam waiting. They hugged and kissed.
‘Idiot, you complete fool getting taken in so easily. Losing two friends for the price of one. Both of them gaslighters. There really ought to be clowns to mark this occasion.’
