Alright I’ll tell you the score. My old man said I was a mistake, said marrying my mam was a mistake, said his whole bloody life since he first met her was a goddam major mistake.
My mam, knocked up at nineteen, possessed a good catholic heart and insisted on keeping the baby (moi) whilst her old man metaphorically whipped out his shotgun, demanding that my dad do the right thing.
Despite his pleas for adoption (if abortion was out of the question) dad decided to stick it out. At least until I was six years old, before saying: “Fuck this” and vamoosed. Yeah, picture me still with my baby teeth, being told that dad isn’t coming back. He’s not dead or sick, he just isn’t around anymore.
I felt guilty, God knows I was a hyperactive brat, so I felt I was to blame for driving dad away. He made no phone calls, no emails, no birthday cards, no Christmas presents, zilch. So, what was he doing when I grew up? Hell, if I know.
He wasn’t there at my graduation, wasn’t there for my wedding, wasn’t there for my mam’s funeral or to meet his first grandkid. No show at all.
Did I hate the guy? Miss him? I dunno, all I can recall was a confused numbness when I thought of my absent pappy.
So flashforward to when I was forty. There I was relaxing in my study, delighted to have just been made partner at my firm, when I heard the doorbell ring and you can imagine my shock and amazement at the sight of who was standing on my doormat.
Yeah, you know where this is going, you know who it was. Only now my old man was no longer the handsome, rugged fellow from my memories, but haggard, skinny and had seemingly shrunk. Dressed in clothes that hadn’t seen the inside of a washing machine in years and not smelling too good either, he still smiled weakly at me.
“Hi son,” he croaked.
A pause and I stared at this bastard who had ignored me all of my life and felt my head swirl with a mixture of longing, resentment and guilt. My mam, the good catholic spoke about loving thy enemy and honouring thy father but I was never as good as her. And yeah, I was a little curious to hear his excuses for ditching me.
But honestly what the hell was he expecting me to do? Welcome him back with open arms like nothing ever happened? Now I was Mr. Rich, now I was Mr. Important, this was when he magically took an interest in me.
“Just go,” I sighed and closed the door with some reluctance.
