They were in bed together, his thick legs heavy as floorboards on her thin legs. During the wine and the satisfactory curry, he\u2019d alluded to moving in with her. She suspected he was going to return to the topic now under the sheets; put the question to her more directly, like a large bill you\u2019re not sure you want to pay. They\u2019d been dating six months, they were inching forwards perhaps, but they certainly hadn\u2019t arrived yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Instead though he said, \u2018Tell me about Jack. Why did you turn him down?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jack? With his dark straight hair resembling hers, and his similar green eyes, people had taken them for brother and sister. They were both of middle height and slender. \u2018Is he an artist?\u2019 friends asked. \u2018He seems so sensitive, so delicate like precious china. Does he write poems to you, Ellie? Surely he does?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She\u2019d never felt such joy. They were just nineteen, and then one day Jack had opened up, told her he loved her, wanted to marry her, wanted children with her. \u2018Not yet,\u2019 she\u2019d said, frightened, yet exhilarated, the emotion within her like a vortex she needed to understand before she gave in to its force. A week later he\u2019d died of an undiscovered brain aneurysm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Not yet.\u2019 The words chimed about the bedroom, and she felt again that whirlpool turning her round and round. She\u2019d meant let\u2019s wait, we\u2019re meant for each other, but let\u2019s develop a little, more can we? Had Jack understood? Had she made herself clear before his brief life had been blown out? She still didn\u2019t know. She still regretted that she might have caused him some hurt, her precious, porcelain-delicate love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Jack?\u2019 Baz was asking again, his sausage-sized fingers on her cheek.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018I wasn\u2019t ready. I wasn\u2019t old enough.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was the truth, wasn\u2019t it? She\u2019d had to mention Jack to Baz, you couldn\u2019t keep him wholly under cover. But it was like you might show a jewel to an acquaintance: carefully, keeping hold of it, not wanting them to know its value, not wanting them to touch it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018And are you now?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018I\u2019m older, more mature. As for, am I ready? Well\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018I get the sense that if I<\/em> asked you, you wouldn\u2019t tell me to wait?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n Was he telling her he loved her? That he wanted to marry her? Was he just taking her for granted? He was rubbing his lumpy knee against her thigh. She felt his rough carpenter\u2019s fingers exploring her stomach, felt like fine pottery being handled crudely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n \u2018Well?\u2019 he said. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Jack, slender, beautiful Jack who\u2019d set a match to the tinder in her heart. Jack\u2019s slim legs that fitted so well with her own in bed, Jack\u2019s fine slim fingers touching her, each one a perfect stanza of a perfect poem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m ready now, I\u2019m truly ready, Jack, she thought, as she heard herself whisper \u2018not yet\u2019 to Baz\u2019s question. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He crushed his body against hers, timber on wafer-thin china, as in resistance.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" They were in bed together, his thick legs heavy as floorboards on her thin legs. During the wine and the satisfactory curry, he\u2019d alluded to moving in with her. She suspected he was going to return to the topic now under the sheets; put the question to her more directly, like a large bill you\u2019re […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"facebook_10158782359051062_103813597863211":"","twitter_1225722811282530305_1225722811282530305":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[121,341],"tags":[357],"class_list":["post-650","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-121","category-november-2020-dilemma","tag-yet"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pbrNJE-au","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/650","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=650"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/650\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":651,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/650\/revisions\/651"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=650"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=650"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=650"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}