{"id":530,"date":"2020-07-24T19:43:41","date_gmt":"2020-07-24T19:43:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/?p=530"},"modified":"2020-07-24T19:43:44","modified_gmt":"2020-07-24T19:43:44","slug":"the-gift-of-tears","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/the-gift-of-tears\/530\/","title":{"rendered":"The Gift of Tears"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

In the ongoing dialogue between the Me that I am today and versions of my earlier self, one outstanding feeling is of embarrassment.\u00a0 How could I have worn<\/em> that dress, for goodness sake?\u00a0 Why on earth would I say<\/em> that? Did anyone hear me, or worse, remember it? Does anyone have a photo of that disaster of a night out and which is going to appear on social media at any moment? Yet I sympathise, empathise, with these junior versions. They have melded into who I am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes you read letters, or articles made to read like letters, from people giving advice to their younger self.  Great advice. Sensible. It\u2019s always to a person of fixed age, usually just starting out on independent living.  The tone is kind, wise and reassuring. I can\u2019t do that. I\u2019ve been embarrassing myself since I was born, so Previous Versions skip between ages, each with its capacity to compromise dignity. Anyway, I wouldn\u2019t have listened to good advice (thereby avoiding social calamity) at any age. Social calamity seems to be my default.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

However, and this is a big However, I\u2019m very fond of my Previous Versions. We cohabit. We are one. I love the determination of that 5 year old and the joy of being 8. I like the kindness of me at 11 and most of all I\u2019m grateful to the soppy 16 year old.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sixteen was the year I fell hopelessly in love with Dreamboat. (What a tosser, I later realised.) It was lovely to have a hand to hold and the status of being part of a couple. No one had ever felt what we were feeling. No one could possibly understand what we were to one another. We would be together for ever and a day. (etc) It was the Real Thing for about three weeks. Then he dumped me for a younger model in the year below us at school.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was ashamed, upset, bereft, confused, hurt, angry \u2013 all the feelings you might expect a wronged ex-lover to feel. But there was nowhere to put this cacophony of emotion. Then came the tears. Sobbing, tearing cries from the soul. Wetness and dribble and mottled skin (not a pretty sight but at least it was in private). It was a fabulous release of all the feelings that couldn\u2019t be named but which were damaging my sense of self. It was a real gift, this discovery of deep tears. I\u2019d never been much of a crier \u2013 the odd injury, the death of my budgie, not being on the netball team maybe caused a few splashes but nothing like this emotional clear out. This was completely new and valuable information. It is a rare gift of experience which, used sparingly, still serves me well. Whilst I treasure the rule-breaking five-year-old and hold her close, it is soppy sixteen with her gift of tears that sometimes rescues me and keeps me embarrassingly sane.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the ongoing dialogue between the Me that I am today and versions of my earlier self, one outstanding feeling is of embarrassment.\u00a0 How could I have worn that dress, for goodness sake?\u00a0 Why on earth would I say that? Did anyone hear me, or worse, remember it? Does anyone have a photo of that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"facebook_10158782359051062_103813597863211":"","twitter_1225722811282530305_1225722811282530305":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"A new story from Swansea Writers: The Gift of Tears\n#flashfiction #fiction #writerscommunity","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[121,258],"tags":[248,280],"class_list":["post-530","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-121","category-july-2020-first-love","tag-gift","tag-tears"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pbrNJE-8y","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/530","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=530"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/530\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":532,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/530\/revisions\/532"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=530"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=530"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=530"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}