{"id":2785,"date":"2026-10-08T14:42:56","date_gmt":"2026-10-08T14:42:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/?p=2785"},"modified":"2026-10-08T14:42:59","modified_gmt":"2026-10-08T14:42:59","slug":"suicide-dont-blame-me-pal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/suicide-dont-blame-me-pal\/2785\/","title":{"rendered":"Suicide? Don\u2019t Blame Me, Pal"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Let\u2019s be clear: I did <em>nothing<\/em> wrong. Barbara had a history of bad depression. Very trying, but I was ever there for her. I couldn\u2019t pull her through but I stayed at her side. You can only get out of the dark tunnel by yourself, girl, I told her. But I\u2019m outside it, ready to offer you my strong arms when you make it into the light. And get this: it was <em>years<\/em> ago when I left her. Can we be clear about that? It seems she carried on dwelling in gloom. Just listen now: don\u2019t blame me!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2018Your face is unreadable,\u2019 she said, \u2018but I see trustfulness.\u2019 Trust was an issue with her. Difficulties with her father. A rat, a philanderer. She claimed I broke that trust when I moved out. What can I say? I am <em>not<\/em> a philanderer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There were signs of depression early on, but I was sure we\u2019d overcome it. After our second child, Jake, the blues vanished. \u2018We\u2019ve come through,\u2019 I told her. But when both Louisa and Jake started school, they returned, like a grey fog eating into her. I thought of a distant lighthouse swathed in mist, permanent darkness within. I edged round her carefully, leaving her to her inner turmoil. I couldn\u2019t do any more. She had to want to get better. And it seemed to me she didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There were <em>years<\/em> of this. It wasn\u2019t easy for me. Then, just by chance, I bumped into Margaret who I\u2019d been at school with. We were boyfriend and girlfriend at fourteen, made each other laugh, with plenty of good times till we drifted apart. Too many other things going on in adolescence to appreciate what we had.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We fell in love, quickly actually. The sense of a lead weight inside my chest disappeared. I was alive! Margaret\u2019s a positive woman, see. \u2018We going to be together for ever,\u2019 she said. \u2018You deserve some happiness. No more sacrificing yourself.\u2019 I admit it, a feeling of relief came. No more days and weeks the colour of gloom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My departure made Barbara bitter and the children angry. It\u2019s twenty years on now from being chained to Barbara. Louisa and Jake have grown up but still want no contact with me. \u2018Betrayal\u2019, they mutter. Louisa positively spits venom at the sound of my name. It\u2019s pure hate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Barbara called me names &#8211; \u2018Hypocrite! Selfish!\u2019 \u2013 as I shut the door for good. Margaret dismissed that: \u2018she\u2019s jealous\u2019. In the divorce proceedings I was a touch nifty with my financial declarations, Barbara scrupulously honest. Margaret and I now live in a lovely detached house on a very pleasant estate. Barbara rented, not having enough from the settlement to buy. I understand her accommodation was damp and chilly. Them\u2019s the breaks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m good. That\u2019s all I\u2019ve got to say. You\u2019ll get no more from me. The funeral? No, of course I won\u2019t be going. Would you\u2026! Listen, I\u2019m sick and tired of defending myself. Just piss off, would you!\u2019<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Let\u2019s be clear: I did nothing wrong. Barbara had a history of bad depression. Very trying, but I was ever there for her. I couldn\u2019t pull her through but I stayed at her side. You can only get out of the dark tunnel by yourself, girl, I told her. But I\u2019m outside it, ready to [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"no","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"facebook_10158782359051062_103813597863211":"","twitter_1225722811282530305_1225722811282530305":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[{"account":"facebook_10158782359051062_103813597863211","service":"facebook","timestamp":1791470636,"status":"success"},{"account":"twitter_1225722811282530305_1225722811282530305","service":"twitter","timestamp":1791470637,"status":"error"}],"rop_publish_now_status":"done","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1792,1923],"tags":[1757,114,1938,1939,155,991,95,7,167,13,14,191,11,591,172],"class_list":["post-2785","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-1792","category-oct-2026-hypocrisy","tag-blame","tag-but","tag-clear","tag-depression","tag-don","tag-get","tag-had","tag-her","tag-into","tag-me","tag-she","tag-there","tag-was","tag-were","tag-when"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pbrNJE-IV","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2785","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2785"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2785\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2786,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2785\/revisions\/2786"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2785"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2785"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2785"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}