Look at yourself man! Paunch soft enough for a bouncy\ncastle, out of breath, and you smell like an outbreak of leprosy. New year\u2019s\nresolutions: get fit, have a healthier lifestyle, use deodorants. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That very\nmorning Atkinson jogged on the prom. \nAfter a hundred yards he thought cardiac arrest was imminent. The next\nday the exercise bike his girlfriend, Jackie, had bought him for Christmas was\nset up in the spare room of the flat. He pedalled furiously for thirty seconds,\nthen coughed and spluttered so much he had to lay down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
The day\nafter he picked up the weights Jackie had got him for his birthday. They were\nso heavy he could barely lift them. If he did, he was sure to pull a muscle. He\nopened the window for air, and saw Jackie talking to a muscular guy in shorts.\nIt was their neighbour, Strather, who he\u2019d occasionally seen eyeing up Jackie\u2019s\nbutt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Atkinson\nupped his work-out regime, training daily at the gym, and jogging on the prom\nmornings and evenings. Soon he was admiring himself in the mirror: muscles\nglistening, spare tyre around his midriff almost shed. Gladiator! Maybe\nStrather now looked puny next to him? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
When\nJackie came in, she was quiet. Eventually she said: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018We\u2019ve got\nto split, Trev. Sorry.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018What?\nWhy!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She wasn\u2019t\nattracted to him any more. She liked her chaps a bit grubby and earthy, with a\nbit of jelly and lard on them, a bit slobby and scruffy. Trevor had turned into\na Greek god. She wanted a man, not Adonis. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018I thought\nyou were attracted to smart, healthy types?\u2019 he protested.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Me<\/em>?\nI liked your body odour when I curled up in bed with you. All that deodorant\nmakes me feel sick.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018But\nStrather \u2026 you\u2019re always chatting to biceps and torso Strather?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Can\u2019t\nstand him. He loves himself and his \u201cbeautiful body\u201d.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018I\u2019ve seen\nyou smiling with him.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Smile at\nhis smut? That\u2019s all he ever talks. I wince, I don\u2019t smile.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018But the\nexercise bike you bought me?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018You <\/em>asked\nfor it, after Strather gave me a Christmas card.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018I did?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018And you\nasked for those dumbells after seeing Strather with his weights in his front\ngarden.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018I did?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Well I\u2019ll\nbe off then.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Wait! Give\nme a week to reform, Jac.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n He went out\nto the West Cross pizza place and bought their two largest pizzas. He took them\nback to the flat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Half for\nyou,\u2019 he said, \u2018and one and a half for me. Seven more days and I\u2019ll regain my\nformer shape. Alright?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jackie\nnibbled her pizza half and said nothing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Tomorrow\nI\u2019ll put the exercise bike and weights out for the scrap man, as well.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n She\ncarried on nibbling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018And<\/em>\nI\u2019ll chuck the deodorants out.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Do it now<\/em>,\u2019\nshe said. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He went\nout, returned with a bagful of the stuff which he put in the dustbin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Seven\ndays?\u2019 she said. \u2018Can you go a bit quicker? Pizza has an aphrodisiac effect on\nme.\u2019<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Look at yourself man! Paunch soft enough for a bouncy castle, out of breath, and you smell like an outbreak of leprosy. New year\u2019s resolutions: get fit, have a healthier lifestyle, use deodorants. That very morning Atkinson jogged on the prom. After a hundred yards he thought cardiac arrest was imminent. The next day […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"facebook_10158782359051062_103813597863211":"","twitter_1225722811282530305_1225722811282530305":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[121,120],"tags":[8,122,11],"class_list":["post-242","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-121","category-newyearresolutions","tag-he","tag-him","tag-was"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/sbrNJE-fit","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/242","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=242"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/242\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":243,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/242\/revisions\/243"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=242"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=242"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=242"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}