There is one sensation that stays the same through all your days, from the day you are born till the day you die \u2013 it\u2019s waking up from sleep. Just before you open your eyes, you float in the nothingness, feeling like you can be anywhere at all, and everywhere at once.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I walk the darkness. I explore it, and I can choose where I\u2019ll eventually wake up. All my days are scattered here, just waiting to be picked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s a girl, she\u2019s about eleven, her white hair is tied in a loose pigtail as I used to like it when I went to sleep as a kid. As I step closer, I can hear the morning sounds of the street outside our flat. One more step \u2013 I can smell pancakes that my grandma makes for breakfast. I reach out my hand to put on her shoulder, to transfer me into that dream and live it again\u2026 But I stop an inch away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve been there a thousand times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I look around. I\u2019m surrounded by girls and women. Different age, different clothes, and different haircuts \u2013 but it\u2019s all mine. Some are standing straight and relaxed, some are wrapped tight in blankets, and some are hugging a toy \u2013 my favourite fluffy dog. Some faces are tense, and some are peaceful, but all of them are asleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I keep walking away from each of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Since I\u2019ve gained that ability, I\u2019ve been everywhere. I\u2019ve tried so hard to make my life better, even though it never seemed to work. It\u2019s always not good enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve lived and re-lived so many days that I\u2019ve lost count. And now I\u2019m just tired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cLily, stop,\u201d I hear. It\u2019s a little girl, about five years old, who\u2019s not sleeping. I remember her – me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhy aren\u2019t you… waking up?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m scared,\u201d she says. \u201cTomorrow\u2019s my first day at school.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll be just fine, I promise.\u201d I wish that was the truth. I wish I could say I already took care of it. And I tried, honestly. Yet, some days have so much potential to go wrong that, even with infinite attempts, you run out of steam before you fix it. A lot of days are like that, actually.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cPlease, don\u2019t go there, Lily,\u201d she says again and grabs my hand tight, staring into the darkness behind my shoulders. \u201cYou don\u2019t know what\u2019s in there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat is, actually, the point\u201d, I reply.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s been so many years, and I\u2019m still scared. But I don\u2019t care about it that much anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I step away and let go of her hand, and then I blend into the darkness myself,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
finally,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
waking up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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