{"id":2008,"date":"2024-04-25T09:33:30","date_gmt":"2024-04-25T09:33:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/?p=2008"},"modified":"2024-04-25T09:33:37","modified_gmt":"2024-04-25T09:33:37","slug":"words-of-mass-destruction","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/words-of-mass-destruction\/2008\/","title":{"rendered":"Words of Mass Destruction"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCan you draw your voice, Theo?\u201d says the therapist. She gestures to the felt-tip pens, screaming with artificial brightness on the table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I want to shout in her smug face. \u201cYou think I\u2019m going to draw a bird in a cage or some shit like that? A bird of prey, too dangerous to set free? Forget it. I\u2019m thirteen, not three.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t say it, of course. But my eyes must tell her because she sighs and stares at her ugly vegetarian shoes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Afterwards, she and Mum shout-whisper in the waiting room about \u2018giving me time,\u2019 as though I\u2019m deaf as well as mute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShall we stop for ice cream?\u201d Mum says in the car. She\u2019s peering at me through the rear-view mirror. I shake my head, looking away to avoid seeing the hopeful shine disappear from her eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The truth is, I ruin everything. With or without my voice. My parents are even more miserable now that I\u2019m not speaking. Maybe they\u2019d be better off without me? I don\u2019t know why, but they\u2019ve always treated me like some kind of angel who could do no wrong. But I knew I was no angel, I had bad thoughts all the time. They were bound to find out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We were in McDonald\u2019s when they told me Mum was pregnant. That proved it. If I was so perfect, why would they be having another kid?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want a stupid brother or sister!\u201d I yelled, then removed the gherkin from my burger and mushed it into a pulp.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, Theo!\u201d they laughed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The baby was the size of a gherkin when it died.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the time we get home, I\u2019m ready to burst. I run out into the garage. Everything in here is junk, so if I\u2019m going to destroy anything, this is the best place to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe I choose the desk because it reminds me of today\u2019s therapy session. Whatever the reason, I kick it repeatedly, not caring that it hurts my foot. In fact, the pain feels strangely good. Only when the drawer comes loose and crashes onto the floor do I stop and slump to my knees myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s when I see them. Grainy scan pictures. Four, five, six of them, all dated before I was born. And a letter with the NHS logo at the top. The words blur in my rush to read them. \u201cRecurrent pregnancy loss.\u201d \u201cProbable chromosomal abnormalities.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The door creaks open.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh!\u201d Mum\u2019s voice cracks. She sits beside me, draping her arm around my shoulders. \u201cSweetheart, we didn\u2019t want to upset you by telling you about the babies we lost.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Upset me? By letting me know it couldn\u2019t have been my fault? That it\u2019d happened many times, before I was even born?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re our perfect miracle, Theo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I realise something as the tears start to flow. It\u2019s the unsaid words that have done the most damage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I feel a tiny vibration, a bird\u2019s wing flutter. And my voice flits to the surface.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The truth is, I ruin everything. With or without my voice. My parents are even more miserable now that I\u2019m not speaking. Maybe they\u2019d be better off without me? I don\u2019t know why, but they\u2019ve always treated me like some kind of angel who could do no wrong. But I knew I was no angel, I had bad thoughts all the time. They were bound to find out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"facebook_10158782359051062_103813597863211":"","twitter_1225722811282530305_1225722811282530305":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1129,1202],"tags":[114,155,1251,7,13,110,12,1253,14,1252,118,84,1189,181,11],"class_list":["post-2008","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-1129","category-april-2024-ruin","tag-but","tag-don","tag-draw","tag-her","tag-me","tag-mum","tag-my","tag-says","tag-she","tag-theo","tag-they","tag-time","tag-voice","tag-want","tag-was"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pbrNJE-wo","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2008","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2008"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2008\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2010,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2008\/revisions\/2010"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2008"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2008"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2008"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}