{"id":1617,"date":"2023-05-26T08:53:09","date_gmt":"2023-05-26T08:53:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/?p=1617"},"modified":"2023-05-26T08:53:14","modified_gmt":"2023-05-26T08:53:14","slug":"cards-on-the-table","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/cards-on-the-table\/1617\/","title":{"rendered":"Cards on the table"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

It wasn\u2019t so much that things had gone wrong, more that they were never right. So it was a great relief to get the metaphorical cards out and lay them, face down, on the table. Let us take a seat at this table, the better to understand the situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first card to be turned up was Tom\u2019s:  \u2018 I\u2019m so afraid of hurting you that I  tiptoe around things. I mean, I\u2019d really love to play 5-a-side on a Saturday and have a few jars with the team afterwards. But it wouldn\u2019t be fair to you, leaving you alone at the weekend.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Alice turned over her ace card at this early point: \u2018I really don\u2019t want to have kids. I feel trapped already and having more ties would be scary. It would be great to feel free. But I know you want kids, so I\u2019m just living in dread. \u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom could sense a flutter in his gut : \u2018Why have you never said this? I didn\u2019t know you felt trapped. As for kids, I guess I just assumed we\u2019d have some. I\u2019m lost for words. \u2018<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Alice fingered another card and turned it over: \u2018I grew up with a sense of duty which my parents always put first. I was Akela to a group of cubs for years, for God\u2019s sake, always the first person people asked to help with babysitting, I was\u2026.reliable. So duty always trumped happiness or being a bit lighthearted and mad with friends. When we met, I think the same thing happened. I was committed to you without thinking about my own needs too much. And I\u2019m starting to wish I had some freedom to  look at what I really want\u2026and need.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another revelation was in the offing as Tom tipped up the next card: \u2018Thing is, I sometimes feel hemmed in. You always want things to be done just right and I don\u2019t find that I have much to offer that won\u2019t offend you. I\u2019ve stopped suggesting things, so you won\u2019t get upset. I\u2019m trapped too, in a way.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The upturned cards continued to show a high level of disaffection with the relationship. It became evident that neither wished to hurt the other, and yet neither was receiving much joy from their life together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What to do? Break their commitment and go their separate ways? Alice finds her sense of duty a heavy burden. Tom is feeling constrained by his imagined sense of what will upset her. They  have some major  obstacles to clear \u2013 kids being a serious one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not my problem. I\u2019m just a voyeur, a connoisseur  of tricky human conundrums. Free as a bee. It\u2019s a hobby. Seems like human commitment can be a mask hiding- suppressing- real wants and needs. \u2018For the sake of the kids\u2019, \u2018because I said I would\u2019 , and so on. It\u2019s a choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyhow back to work. Don\u2019t mind me, I\u2019m just a fly on the wall with a counselling certificate and high-level language skills.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It wasn\u2019t so much that things had gone wrong, more that they were never right. So it was a great relief to get the metaphorical cards out and lay them, face down, on the table. Let us take a seat at this table, the better to understand the situation. The first card to be turned […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"facebook_10158782359051062_103813597863211":"","twitter_1225722811282530305_1225722811282530305":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[695,734],"tags":[752,764,771,269,770,766,769,651,765,127,768,767,74,181,11],"class_list":["post-1617","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-695","category-may-2023-commitment","tag-always","tag-card","tag-feel","tag-first","tag-kids","tag-much","tag-really","tag-so","tag-table","tag-things","tag-tom","tag-turned","tag-up","tag-want","tag-was"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pbrNJE-q5","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1617","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1617"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1617\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1619,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1617\/revisions\/1619"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1617"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1617"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1617"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}