{"id":1035,"date":"2021-12-06T22:01:49","date_gmt":"2021-12-06T22:01:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/?p=1035"},"modified":"2021-12-06T22:02:39","modified_gmt":"2021-12-06T22:02:39","slug":"kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/kids\/1035\/","title":{"rendered":"Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The orange-acned teenager read part of the letter to me: \u2018Fit to go back to work.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       Fit? Twelve months of depression after being passed over for the headship at Ysgol Milton Friedman. That went to a kid with a face on him like a lamb sucking on its mother\u2019s teat. Not to the school\u2019s deputy head, with proven management skills garnered from thirty years teaching. \u2018The successful candidate has more energy,\u2019 I was told. Meaning obvious: Phillips, you\u2019re too old at fifty-four.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       Shortly after came melancholy and lethargy. The GP prescribed anti-depressants. She was a kid too, fresh out of doctors\u2019 college.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       It got worse. My wife, Sandra, left. Told me my moodiness would try the patience of an angel, plus she\u2019d met a nice, younger<\/em> man. That word was like a knife in my heart. Soon after, an overdose of paracetamol. They pumped out my stomach and I\u2019m in the bin, sectioned. Four blurred weeks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

       Released, I pass the days in front of the telly. A happy bubble. But then a youthful psychiatric nurse calls me in for a review. \u2018The government\u2019s tightening up on incapacity benefits.\u2019 The next week the orange-acned teenager at the Job Centre declares I\u2019m able to work, and says:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u2018Plenty of seasonal work around. The Christmas post?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       I lie about having a dodgy back. The next offer I can\u2019t fib my way out of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u2018Ho ho ho<\/em>? `Course I can say that. And what? Chuckle? Might be able to rise to that too. What other talents are needed? None?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       That\u2019s how I became a Santa Claus in a Swansea store. My clients? Yup. Kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       Tonight, I\u2019m sozzling my wits in wine to forget my first day there. Forget that seven-year-old stunted paratrooper this morning who grabbed hold of my manhood, and yanked it as hard as a butler pulling a bell cord. \u2018This is GBH!\u2019 I shouted to the little bugger\u2019s mother. \u2018Oh, give over you soft tart!\u2019 came her reply. \u2018He\u2019s only teasing<\/em>.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       A three-year old girl did a wee on me, soaking my trousers under the red gown. A baby of indeterminate gender grabbed my stick-on whiskers, ripping them off. A slab of skin on one side of my face has been uprooted. Next an inner-city riot. Some stuck-up piece in a fur coat, a stick thin body on her \u2013 probably a business man\u2019s trophy wife \u2013 let her brood loose on my Santa\u2019s sack. \u2018Oi! Only Santa goes in there!\u2019 I shouted. No good at all. They were diving into the sack, pulling the presents out, and then chucking them at each other. \u2018Oh haw haw haw!\u2019 guffawed the stick insect, her jewellery rattling like coins in a Salvation Army collection box. \u2018Bloody chavs!\u2019 I muttered. \u2018How dare you!\u2019 she retorted. \u2018They go to a private<\/em> school.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       The store manager fired me. \u2018Inappropriate attitude to youngsters.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       Back home I raise my glass glumly. To the young. Make the most of it kids. The scrapheap\u2019s just a block away.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The orange-acned teenager read part of the letter to me: \u2018Fit to go back to work.\u2019        Fit? Twelve months of depression after being passed over for the headship at Ysgol Milton Friedman. That went to a kid with a face on him like a lamb sucking on its mother\u2019s teat. Not to the school\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"facebook_10158782359051062_103813597863211":"","twitter_1225722811282530305_1225722811282530305":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[379,593],"tags":[13,12,163],"class_list":["post-1035","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-379","category-december-2021-christmas","tag-me","tag-my","tag-work"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/sbrNJE-kids","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1035","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1035"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1035\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1038,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1035\/revisions\/1038"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1035"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1035"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swanseawriterscircle.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1035"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}