The Allotment Fairy

“He’s at it again!” Russ slammed the front door, trailing dirt through the hallway.

Barb sighed. She held a protective hand over the mirror on the wall until it stopped vibrating, and reminded Russ for the millionth time to remove his gardening boots in the porch.

But he was already stomping towards the kitchen. Barb followed and put the kettle on, waiting for both it and Russ to boil over. Meanwhile, she listened to the usual rant about how Ian at the allotment was jealous of Russ’s prize vegetable patch, and was obviously tampering with it, because his tools kept moving and his marrows weren’t growing at the expected rate. Yet Ian’s patch was thriving.

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Exit Strategy

Thursday:

She really should tell her sister: Carys was her best friend. But how embarrassing to announce, ‘I’m having second thoughts about marrying.’ Carys would probably reply drily, ‘Leaving the exit strategy a bit late, aren’t we?’ And Carys would be right. What the hell are you going to do, Derwena? No solution came to mind.

            Those two cross-terrier puppies Dave’s mum had bought had clarified Derwena’s sense of the imbalance. The male, Shep, fawned and begged for attention – from Dave and his mum, and from the other puppy. He pleaded for his little masculine ego to be acknowledged. Whereas Trixie, the bitch, might allow herself to be stroked but she was bored by Shep’s greedy neediness. Just let me be, she seemed to be saying to both dog and owner. She was an independent soul. That’s me and Dave, Derwena thought. Irreconcilably different; fire and water.

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After the Event

Just afterwards, we managed to leave the event with some aplomb, a modicum of dignity intact-or at least faked. Torn between hooting with laughter over council-man’s trifle covered shoes and lower trouser legs, and seriously thinking over the consequences of the action, we rested languidly in the warm evening light of the nearby park to consider the position.

I have known my good friend Alice for years. We’ve shared holidays and secrets as well as heartbreaks and terrible times. I’d say she’s a pretty good humoured person, except for her occasional explosive outbursts. I’m not saying she’s bad tempered, not at all, and rarely has a bad word for anyone.

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You Do What You Can

Morgan Ratcliffe locked the car door, opened the allotment gate wearily, and crept like a snail on Mogadon up the rise. Long Covid wasn’t going to beat him.

            Alice Rees had lent him a small part of her allotment plot to assist his recovery. She’d also lent her neighbour – he lived several doors down from her – a few long-handled tools. Ratcliffe came daily in all weathers, scratched at weeds with a rake, turned a few inches of earth with a hoe, and half an hour later limped back to his car. Occasionally Alice discreetly removed clumps of weeds and sowed a few seeds on the strip. Otherwise Ratcliffe’s labours would’ve been wholly in vain.

            Three months after starting, Ratcliffe’s health was unchanged. His walk was still laboured, his actions and thought as if made in slow motion. ‘I do what I can,’ he muttered. He was a tall, elderly man, his rugged features putting Alice in mind of a rocky steep. His cheekbones were hollowed out, his shoulders sunken, his expression as bleak as hard snow in the Brecon Beacons.

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Local Newsletter

Returning to office camaraderie was a major life event: arguably third after marriage and buying your first property? Edwin savoured the anticipation. Jumping the steps 2 at a time, he reached the colonnaded entrance of Mean Streets Communications; a.k.a Moan Streets Miscommunications by fellow trainee journalists.

That first regrouping was a creative recoil against 18 months of enforced house arrest and Zoom meetings. Piotr, old- school consulting editor, was in the “control” chair directing the pent-up tsunami of creativity. Fountain pen in hand, he wrote each suggested scoop-in-the-making on a physical clipboard. Retro-style reporting values he called it. Meanwhile the trainees tapped electronic devices desperate not to miss the opportunity of reporting tomorrow’s leader.

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The Conclusion

Hookers with fifties mother presenting a cake

I can see that I had been manipulated from the start, but what choice did I have when it was my wife doing the manipulating?

It had all started when we were driving alongside Streatham Common, on the way back from Beryl’s sister’s place.  Although it was early evening, there were already some working girls about.  I hoped that the wife wouldn’t notice them, but she had.  I saw her neck whip around as we passed one.  I was just waiting for her to pass a derisory remark.

‘Gosh, did you see that one?’

‘What, sorry love, I was concentrating on my driving’ I lied.

‘She was really pretty.”

‘What?’I thought I’d misheard.

‘That last one, she was so pretty, a bit thin though.  Didn’t we have any sandwiches left?’

            ‘Yes, there’s a few left and a spot of tea if you’re thirsty.’

            ‘Not for me, for her.’

             ‘She’s working luv, you can’t just drive up to her and offer her a sandwich.’

I was wrong, Beryl had a new mission, I had to do a U turn and head back to the common. As I stopped at the kerb, the prostitute jumped into the car. She looked startled when she saw Beryl in the rear seat.  After an awkward moment, they started chatting together like old friends.

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Black Cat

Panther ready to pounce

Afterwards, when Maureen’s body was slumped over the table, Geoff had thought about the cat. For some reason, it was the first thing that had popped into his head. Even before the guilt had begun to wind itself around his insides like ivy.

And now, there it was again: the black cat. It had appeared every morning since she died five days ago, its yellow eyes piercing his soul through the glass. He shivered.

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A Dolphin Tale

Dolfina leapt and twirled, racing back and fro with the other youngsters. Life was good except for the bully Drogo who kept bumping and pushing the little ones. Rushing at him, she angrily thumped him with her tail. Her parents rushed over to separate them.

Nearing maturity, Dofina knew that her behaviour was not acceptable. Her role was to teach the younger ones how to follow the dolphin code but Drogo made her so angry. Listening to her parents, she so wanted them to be proud of her.

Mother explained she would soon find a mate and they would mate for life. Dolphina wasn’t too sure where would she find him.

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H.E.A.L. Your Happy Ever After

Roscoe Manning’s rounded Devon drawl faltered. He gasped as burning sand trickled down his windpipe. Standard issue military full -face visor was powerless against the inexorable seepage of desert dust.

Not a good idea this open- air presentation, he thought.

Hawking an ochre flume of spittle, he re-placed his face- mask and resumed.

“Imagine….. I didn’t know what a Hesco was before this deployment and now I’m training you.”

Experience had taught Roscoe that modelling his own learning curve built trust with the trainees. So necessary in the field where operational success and minimum casualties depended on orders being instantly obeyed. 

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The Rise and Fall of Wee Willie Winkie

The problem, really, is one of unintended consequences. It arose from a parental wish to relieve their child’s anxiety and extend the happy-ever-after era of childhood.

It was one of those summers when the family holiday consisted of ‘going out for days’ rather than the usual week by the seaside in a b and b.  This kind of holiday always turned out to be more expensive and less restful than the b and b option.

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The Cost of Love

The first I knew of our money problems was the day I went home early from work, suffering with a migraine.  It was unusual to see mail on the doormat, as John would normally deal with it before I came home.  As bad as my headache was, I could not help noticing the words “Final Demand” were peeking out of the window on one of the envelopes.  My curiosity got the better of me and I opened it.

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Jacket

Bowens’ wife was surprised when he volunteered to take the laden bags to the charity shops. Usually, evenings, a tugboat couldn’t pull him out of his East Enders and Coronation Street engrossed armchair. He put two bags each in the foyers of the Air Ambulance and Tenovus, and two more in the dog charity lobby. The hated brown corduroy jacket was at the bottom of the last bag, under the Woody Allen dvds and Jean Paul Sartre books. Susan had bought it new a month back, and it had been disdain at first sight. It was the sort of quasi-academic garb she liked and he detested.

Most of her pals worked at the university, and their braying confidence made him feel inadequate, a block of mental concrete. The men were all togged in corduroy jackets and, for all he knew, some of the women too. Tomorrow he’d tell her it’d been stolen from the car, when he’d inadvertently left the window open. R.I.P. hated jacket.
As he drove off, drop done, a fellow in his fifties, rat eyes and as crafty as a lair of foxes, gathered up the six bags. Two days later half of their contents were on his ‘Animal Welfare Charity’ stall at the margin of the monthly Mumbles farmers’ market. No animal had ever benefited materially from his sales, but the foxy fellow himself copped a nifty ten pounds when a woman purchased the jacket. ‘Pristine,’ he said to her encouragingly. She heard ‘Christine’, and wondered at his familiarity.

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Living the Dream

Act 1: Childhood

Princess Pollyanna slides on her ruby slippers, the light dancing across the sequins. Maybe they will transport her home if she wishes hard enough. No, not home. To a castle, in an enchanted forest. With pet unicorns and glittery rainbows and trees that bear sweets. And parents who are kind and doting.

“Pollyanna, come on! What are you wearing, you idiot? Get your wellies on!”

Ugh. Why do her parents always have to interrupt her daydreams? Still, at least this time they’re not screaming at each other. Not yet, anyway. Until they start drinking later.

And why do they have to come camping all the time? If only they could afford exotic holidays like the other children at school.

Second-hand silk ribbons trail behind her in the mud. Maybe next year, Paris? A girl can dream!

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Pat and Dan

Pat and Dan had bought their house a few years before. They loved the quirky house even though it seemed lonely and unloved, spending their time renovating it a room at a time.

Their final job was decorating the landing area. Stripping the wallpaper and paintwork at the end of the passage, Dan found that there was a portion fitted with hardboard. Prying it off a door stood behind it. 

Cautiously they opened it shining a torch around. It was a nursery. Everything was dusty and faded, such a sad room. Walls were covered with murals of animals, there was a crib with pink lace, a nursing chair, and a sideboard on which sat a book. Picking it up Pat wiped the dust off. Opening it up, there were happy family photos and towards the end were news reports of a tragic accident. A mother and child had been killed. Pat’s eyes filled up. Looking at Dan, she could sense he felt it too. Now they knew why their house was so sad. Expecting their first child, Pat hugged her stomach, promising the child that they would make it a happy home again.

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Professor Frederick Noll: World famous scientist, a pioneer in Nanotechnology and Genetics research

Dendrobaena worm

Although many will have heard of necrotising fasciitis, the dreadful disease caused by bacteria which devour living flesh, far fewer will have heard of dead flesh-eating maggots used by doctors to debride wounds. However today we are celebrating a new advance in animal technology: animals designed to eat unwanted manmade objects. Enter the worm, tiny  4 cm long worms with a single purpose, which have been genetically modified by Swansea University Genetics Department from Dendrobaena worms, small 30 gram ones normally used as live fish bait . These minute hermaphrodites spend their brief lives eating plastic. They were developed jointly by Swansea University Departments of  Nanotechnology, Biochemistry and Genetics.

Why worms? Basically worms are  very simple creatures with a simple genetic structure. Because they are hermaphrodites they can reproduce themselves very fast and retain the same simple genetic structure without variation. They are well suited for research in nanotechnology.

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No Room For A Seachange

Squid

It was out! Marius had finally admitted his greatest fear, – being “cancelled” on social media. The finality of the word frightened him. Not so Errol his line-manager cum press officer whose antennae for company advancement,-and thereby his own,- were finely tuned. The press release on World Autism Day proclaimed Brigham Enviro-Solutions’ enlightened consultant apprenticeship programme whilst showcasing the solution to oceanic pollution by plastic single-use PPE, face masks and testing kits.

“We at Brigham’s value the spectrum of neurodiversity. You won’t find any room given to Time-Pass Occupational Therapy at BES. By developing and harnessing each apprentices’ detail-oriented abilities in analytics, mathematics, pattern recognition and information processing, our “special” employees can advance to full consultancy status within 3 years. They receive a competitive market rate based on successful outcomes. Everyone benefits, – apprentices, investors, clients.”

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Hell is an Octagonal Room

My vision of hell is a high-ceilinged, octagonal room with eight doors. The room is exquisitely panelled in oak and all the doors are closed. Each door would open onto paths of opportunity, were it not firmly shut.

One feature of this beautiful room (in my imagining) is that one of the doors is always slightly ajar. There is the prospect of teasing it open to experience things to do, people to see, scents to smell, tastes to savour.

Quite why the room is eight-sided I really can’t say. Perhaps it adds to the grandeur and authority of hellishness. And quite why the hell-dweller so routinely returns to this world of diminished choices is also difficult to tell.

To explore these matters, I’ve started to try and represent elements of confinement. Not that I’m an artist or anything, but it sometimes helps to try and make models of things you can’t put into words.

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Bare

‘Hey Mo! I got a table. Carried it all the way here.’

‘Where’d you get it?’

‘Other side of the city. Riots going on.’

‘You looted it?’

‘I had to fight another woman off. Like an octopus, all tentacles. She had a chair. She wasn’t getting the table.’

Mo studied the pine table. ‘Anybody else see you?’

‘Everybody was taking things.’

‘The police…?’

‘… were nowhere.’

‘You did good, Saf. The house’s pretty bare.’

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House of Cards

She slides another item into the pile, packing it in like she’s stuffing a turkey. This time it’s a discounted multi-pack of kitchen roll. There is no kitchen to put it in anymore. Nor a lounge. Only storage space, filled to the brim, narrow corridors running through it like clogged arteries. There are already six-packs of kitchen roll squeezed into my bulging cavities.

But to her, these are not kitchen rolls. These are softened sheets of grief, flattened and neatly bound up. They cushion her in a comfort blanket of safety. Her heart empties itself of pain by filling me up.

I heave under the weight of it all. The monster inside me is growing, slowly suffocating us. No light can get in any more. Darkness smothers us, the air thick with dust and the smell of rotting food. Rats scuttle through the cracks, floorboards creaking, threatening to send everything crashing down.

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